On my 34th birthday I called my Mum early in the morning, just after my husband had left for work, to come and get me because I knew if I was left alone too long, was going to harm myself.
I was finally at rock bottom but I was sound enough to know that I had to reach out and ask for help.
I had all my friends coming for dinner that night; for truffles and wine and cheese. It was to be a (and was) a joyous occasion, but all I could think about was how hard it all was and how I wished it would end.
That felt normal to me at that point.
Depression is an irrational beast and I didn’t realise it until my 34th birthday, but it has been an ever present part of my entire life.
The irony of that day still makes me laugh as I sat in the doctors chair, with him rapidly typing and avoiding my gaze at all costs (my eyes were streaming and I am was sobbing uncontrollably) and then deciding it was a good idea to talk to me about how his wife was on anti-depressants because their son had killed himself and how they had really helped her.
Even in the state I was in I was able to be the omnipotent observer in the room and know that this just wasn’t the ideal way to handle the situation.
I took the drugs, but not for long. It did my head in that my otherwise ‘clean’ life had ended up at this – popping pills to keep me from doing myself in.
So I stopped taking the pills and decided to take responsibility instead.
What I embarked on, after that day was an intensive, radical combination of reading every book that appeared in my world; lots of writing and questioning and time spent allowing my grief to bubble to the surface.
I gathered a team of incredible healers around me and tried just about everything.
My motto was; throw everything at it.
During the past 3 years I have embraced colonic irrigation, emotional freedom technique, bach flower remedies, aromatherapy, kinesiology, intuitive healing, life coaching, tarot, bio resonance therapy, liver and parasite cleansing, meditation, running, yoga and forensic healing.
I have read aover 100 books on everything from fermenting to the biology of belief and white witch work.
I became my own therapist and healer and drew on the incredible free and available resources around me.
I shifted my mindset and started to see my life as a healing journey rather than a quest to conquer.
I approached my personal growth with a spirit of light-hearted wonderment and curiosity.
I started to reprogram my inner critic and negative beliefs.
I did everything everyone in the books I read said and I started to gather my own toolbox of what worked well for me.
I fell off the wagon and I got back on again.
I dragged my arse out of bed even when I didn’t want to. I listened to just one more chapter even when I was tired.
I did what I needed to do to get where I wanted to go.
I shared my story, vulnerably and honestly with people I had been scared to share with.
I got compassionate with myself.
I embraced the concept of self-love.
I began to heal, really, really heal.
I cried…. A LOT. I laughed; mostly at myself in a loving way and I did it all, mostly, from my own home. I unearthed things I thought I was done with and found some new stories that were painful and I saw them for what they were and let them go with love.
No retreats. No disappearing acts. No leaving and turning my back on the life I had.
I leaned in to what I had and I owned it – every beautiful moment and every dark corner.
I imagined myself as an onion at first, peeling back the layers, until now, I see myself as that beautiful flower, peeling back her petals to bloom.
Today is my 37th Birthday and I can honestly say, for the first time in my life, I felt the love that has always been there and I have been too scared to feel it.
I embraced every sentence spoken to me. I accepted, lovingly and gratefully the gifts I was given and the meal shared with incredible friends and family.
I ran a personal best 14km in preparation for the city to surf.
I used all my tools to keep me whole.
I laughed with my friends and I reflected.
I looked back at the woman I was 3 years earlier and I hugged her, I shed a tear for her, I loved her like she couldn’t love herself then and I let her go.
If you don’t like the story you are in – write a new one.
Do what you must do.
Ask for the help you need and breathe.
It is worth it – it is sooooo worth it.
#personalgrowth #healthandwellbeing #virtues #acceptance #generosity #openness #truthfulness #understanding